WEBSITE / BLOG UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
Please excuse the state of my blog/website. My brother recently gave me the power to fiddle with the design of my website and… well… obviously I screwed it up and now it looks really ugly.
SO I AM TOTALLY GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT.
I am by no means a singer but I did learn the song on the piano and I thought it would sound odd without the melody so… yep.
I’m not really sure whether ‘donner moi l’amour’ is grammatically correct. I figure that I should try and incorporate more français in my blog to help retain all the vocabulary in my minuscule brain. ‘Donner moi l’amour’ is supposed to translate to ‘Give me love’ which is a song by Ed Sheeran that I have been listening to a lot lately. It’s such a beautiful song, along with ‘Kiss Me’ and if you haven’t listened to them, I suggest you do. There is something so pure and truthful when it comes to acoustic music. J’adore la musique acoustique. C’est très magique.
But what do these songs mean to me personally? I guess lately I have been feeling a little down. I’m not sure whether I would say I am depressed… but if I had to be honest, I have been doing a lot of deep-thinking… I’ve been lost in my thoughts of what if and I wish and if only… Thoughts that if prolonged, generally lead to self-disintegration, self-loathe and an overall sense of nothingness. The music that I listen to generally reflects what I’m feeling and what I’m thinking- the things that I yearn and the things that I desire. The things that I can’t put into words myself.
I’ve been drawing quite a bit lately- I’m not very good at it but it’s helped me express myself. Usually I write, but I’m having the biggest writers block of my entire life. I think it’s the fact that I’m always so judgmental and critical of my own writing- it’s never good enough by my standards. But with drawing, anything goes. It’s simple. With writing, you have to find the right words. You want to capture everything you feel, everything you see and touch… and words can so easily escape the perfection of your senses. There’s so much truth in creativity. I don’t know how I would even be able to deal with this turbulent life without being creative. I am not an extroverted person- it’s difficult for me to talk to people and to express myself verbally… but when it comes to pen and paper, pencil and paper, a document and a keyboard, a piano or guitar… it’s like I’m finally talking to someone. It’s as though somebody finally understands me- even though I’m not really communicating with anybody but myself.
I understand that most of the things that trouble me are foolish. The thoughts that plague my mind are frivolous and often have no resolution. They’re just what they are- thoughts. There is nothing more to it then unwarranted yearning and wishing and hoping… thoughts that degrade the mind until it’s nothing more than a pile of mush. I find myself consciously realizing that I’m thinking about the same thing and I become frustrated with myself.
Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped. Like, if I had a GPS strapped to my soul, I would be in the same spot in the planet all the time. The world is so infinitely large- and all I see of it is what is in front of me. All I see is the dreary life that I’ve known for the past 19 years. The frustration embeds itself within the very idea of who I am as a person. I want to be able to be void of inhibition. I want to be able to do things in my life, like go to a dimly-lit venue at 4 in the morning to listen to live music. I want to be able to meet strangers, exchange words… I want to be able to sit by the water at Lofoten Islands and breathe in the succulent air, free of suburban and city life. I want to sit on a plane and feel the excitement of visiting a new city, to engulf myself with local cultures. I want to live.
But here I am. Trapped in a life of commitments and responsibilities… of loyalty and respect. I feel like this is how my life is going to pan out: I’ll somehow be guilt-tripped into not going to Switzerland. I’ll get my bachelors degree in Communication. I’ll find a boring 9-5 job. I’ll be living with my parents until I’m married. The person I’ll marry is someone who I’ve met in Sydney- most probably of Asian ethnicity- someone who my parents will highly approve of. Someone who I’m settling for because that’s what we do as human beings- we settle. We’ll live in the western suburbs. Kids- one or two. And that’s it. That’s my life. And I’m so desperately afraid of it.
I know I’m young and I know that I have my whole life ahead of me. But doesn’t all this happen around 20-30? And I’m 19 now. What have I done to truly live? I wish I could just book a flight somewhere… and just… I don’t know. Do things because I want to do them.
I feel as though me being here- stuck here- is doing me no favors. It’s not helping me forget. I feel like I’m so head-over-heels trapped in this infatuation or unrequited emotion or whatever-the-hell-this-is-that-I’m-feeling because all I am doing is just this. It’s crazy. It’s as if my heart just decided to screw me over. It’s like, out of everyone in the entire world… why someone completely unattainable?
I’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet
And with this feeling I’ll forget, I’m in love now
I know my parents love me and I know they are protective of me and I am very thankful for that. I just feel so much pressure to live life to their expectations because I don’t want them to be disappointed in me. I understand everything they have sacrificed. I guess I feel conflicted- like I can see the life that they want me to live- it’s a little secluded but it’s a safe life. But I can also see a glimpse of the life that I want to live- it’s frightening because I’ve never ventured there, but it’s a road of endless possibilities.
Do you know how peaceful it would be to just not exist?
Oh, je suis triste. Je t’aime beaucoup mais tu ne connais pas moi…
oh dear. i’m so in over my head and i don’t know what to do.
#sigh.
Meet my new baby.
$200 Dr. Martens.
I’ve been eyeing them for a while.
So today I was like, “Why not?”
Breaking them in is gonna be a b%*@h
click image for full resolution 
Lyrics from:
Lonesome Town – Ricky Nelson
&
Clouds – Letters and Lights
The letter I sent Roomie
I’m on my mid-semester break and I’m sick. Being sick sucks. But you know what else sucks? The fact that we’re destroying our Earth.
I know I’m probably very biased and one-sided: this became clear to me when I watched that KONY 2012 video and immediately afterwards I shared it on my Facebook… only to realize minutes later “Why am even sharing this?” What, simply because everyone else is doing it? Because the video cleverly played with my emotions and guilt-tripped me into “caring” about this situation through an adorable little boy who said that this man must be stopped? It just goes to show that the right techniques used in advertising and marketing can really trap you. So several minutes after sharing the video on my Facebook, I realized how stupid it was. The fact that I just watched one measly video and I was already willing to buy all the KONY 2012 merchandise to show my support. I mean, how stupid is that? It’s like someone going up to you and offering you a mysterious packet of white powder and saying “if you consume this, you will save a child dying from hunger.”
I’m not saying that what Kony or the LRA are doing is a good thing… it’s just funny how we are so quick to judge whether something is worth fighting for based on a 30 minute video that is so quick to be shared around without doing extra research on it. And I admit that I was one of those people. I deleted the video off my Facebook about half an hour after I shared it and decided to do my own research about the mysterious Kony. There’s so many things that the Invisible Children left out in the video, vital information that may skew perceptions a little- but I guess the whole point is to get the message across in a way that makes the populations heart react. Yeah, it sucks that this guy is out there somewhere, but what about all the other problems in the world? Why don’t they get a great 30 minute play-with-your-heart video that’s viral? What about the conservation of our Earth?
Now, I know a lot of people out there don’t believe in climate change- and hey, that’s fair enough… each to their own opinion. But what about deforestation? The destruction of natural habitats home to so many wildlife animals? When I was younger, I remember I had these awesome activity books filled with a wide range of different rain forest animals. I thought to myself how surreal it was that somewhere, out in the greater world, there was a place such as this. As I grew older, all of that escaped me. All I knew- and I suppose to a great extent, what I know now- is a life as a city/suburban dweller. All I know is here and now. All I know is what is immediately in front of me. And maybe what’s happening in Norway and Sweden- just because I like Norway and Sweden.
To think now that capitalist, neo-liberalist ideals of how society should be is destroying nature and putting a price on everything is actually very overwhelming. When I go back to Malaysia- my place of birth- and I go on the 4-5 hour long bus rides from one city to another… the amount of deforestation going on around me didn’t really affect me that much. But thinking about it now… it’s like, how many animals lost their homes because of this? Did they manage to survive? Did the truckies even care? What if they saw a mother orangutan and her children in a tree? Would they still continue to chop it down?
I mean sure, it’s all well and good to chop down a few trees- but they’re doing it so rapidly and on such a large-scale that it’s just not sustainable! I can already see a world where every piece of land is consumed by buildings and there’s just no wildlife left. The only place where you can go see monkeys and leopards and fossa’s are at zoos. And they’re all extinct. And why? Because of greedy human beings that are so freaking intent on commoditising everything they can get their hands on. Because governments like Malaysia don’t care about anything as long as they get their money. And what is even the point anyway?! It’s so plain to see that, yeah, Malaysia gets butt loads of money from logging, but where does that money even go? Into the greedy, filthy hands of corporations and governments that care more about economic success then the fact that there is so much inequality going on! The rich get richer, the poorer get poorer, and the forests disappear and the wildlife dies. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THAT?!
Okay, so I know I’m not like the best writer and I’m probably not advocating this case incredibly well- especially at midnight when I’m sick and I have the biggest migraine and my ears are totally itchy and my nose is blocked and I feel like shit… but this is a serious issue.
This is our home. This is our planet. And we share it with so many other creatures. Are we that inhumane to destroy the homes of these creatures, simply for our own consumer benefits? I guess it’s not that hard to believe how inhumane we are, considering all the violence going on around us as well. We’re just greedy people.
I’ve always loved geography. I’ve always loved learning about the environment and about different countries and what they’re home to. I can’t wait to go to Switzerland and discover what it’s like on the other side of the world. The prospect of losing a part of the world like Switzerland or Norway or Sweden is frightening… just like the prospect of losing natural habitats is frightening. I still want to be a little girl with a rain forest activity book. I still want to believe that there are places like that in the world, free from human-hands, free from destruction. But now, as I’m older- and hopefully more intelligible- I know that places like that are in danger. I know that money is the first and foremost priority in many minds. And many of you might not even care- it’s not like you’ll live long enough to see the destruction of the entire Earth anyway. But it’s already happening.
I’m very grateful for people who put their life into conserving wildlife and natural environments. It’s like they’re actually doing something real. I know that I would probably never in my life step into the amazon or a rain forest or anywhere where there’s creepy bugs for that matter, but I’d like to know that places like that still exist- and will continue to do so until the day this Earth explodes.
I know I’m only one girl with a terrible cough and horrible advertising/advocating/marketing skills, but I am still one girl who is passionate about this. I don’t know what I can do to help- I’m not particularly fond of going out and tying myself to a tree, but I think issues like this should be given the chance to be viral. This is our Earth. This is our planet. Our home. And we share it with other living animals too- I don’t think it’s right to deny them their homes.
Mattias Klum is a Swedish photographer, filmmaker and conservationist. I love his work- and not only because he’s Swedish and has a hot accent. I feel like he’s doing something real. So I leave you now with one of his talks for the National Geographic. It’s incredible.
Leonie
x
The past week or so have been incredibly crazy. I’m having breakouts because of all the stress of my university assignments. I have a 40% literature review, a 15% essay plan and a mid-semester français exam this week. The one thing that’s really helped me to de-stress is being crafty and creating things. Today (well, in Australia right now) it is Joel Berghult’s birthday- he’s the one-man Swedish band Roomie. So, if there is a slight chance that he is reading this blog right now, happy birthday! I doubt it though- but it’s okay because I’ve wished him happy birthday on like, every social networking website x)
Because it’s the Easter holiday and everything is like, literally closed, I wasn’t able to send my care package to Sweden yet 
But I will be on Tuesday when the post office opens back up again. I know that I spent like, a lot of time and effort with drawing and designing things to send off to Sweden but there is a sense of accomplishment and pride that I feel when I do it. It’s not just about portraying my ‘obsession’, but it’s a nice escape from all the serious things that are going on in my life. My friend continually tells me that “he’s not worth it”, but I don’t think it’s a matter of whether he is worth it, but a matter of me enjoying it. At the end of the day I’m doing it for myself. And yeah, maybe all the time and effort that I spend in creating all these things may end up in a bit of disappointment and heartbreak- but at least I have something creative to show for it, you know?
There’s just a sense of serenity and peace in creation and imagination. It keeps my mind busy. It helps me to get rid of all ubiquitous university terms like globalization and time-space distanciation. Ugh, thinking about my literature review is giving me the heebee-jeebies.
The one thing that I guess I’m afraid of is that there’ll be an end. I mean, yeah, right now everything is so stressful with all my assignments being due, but it keeps me occupied, you know? I don’t have time to just sit and be lonely because there’s a constant stream of things to do, and a constant stream of things that I want to do. So I complain that- oh, uni is so hectic that I don’t have time to just sit down and be creative and draw. But in a way I guess it’s this rush that just keeps me going. And once the holidays roll around, I’m afraid it just wont be like that anymore. I guess I just work in mysterious ways.
I guess it’s the fear that I’m so busy right now that once I’m not busy, I just won’t know what to do with myself.
My mum says I shouldn’t think too much. That I shouldn’t dwell on what’s bothering me because I’ll end up having a chemical imbalance in my brain and then I will plunge into the dark vortex of depression. I don’t know how to not think too much though. I feel like there are so many thoughts plaguing my mind. It’s worse when I’m not doing anything. Like when I’m laying in bed. Thoughts about how my life is going to pan out, whether I’m even going anywhere in life, whether I’m accomplishing anything… And I have had this huge surge of a diminishing self-esteem.
I know I’m not aesthetically pretty. I’m like, normal looking. I’m plain. But the thing is that people who look ‘plain’ should make up for it with their personality… but my personality is as boring as wallpaper. Like, seriously- the more I think about it, the more I believe that there is absolutely nothing interesting about me. I don’t watch many television shows, I don’t watch many movies or follow the latest Internet memes… so when it comes to social interaction with other people I simply have nothing to talk about. And I guess it’s like a slow disintegration into nothingness. Like, who am I and why am I even here?!
Like, at the end of the day, what have I got? A face that’s breaking out from stress over assignments and a blog to cry to every night. You know what’s even more tumultuous about life? Well, like, when you try to show the world that you’re moving on and that you’re happy and that you’re okay with who you are- there’s always someone who gets upset over it and it makes me feel like complete shit- like what, am I supposed to be in this rotten emotional-turmoil for the rest of my entire life so that you can feel better about yourself? Can we not just be happy because the other person is happy? I don’t understand.
I’m going off in tangents now. I started off this blog relatively happy but now I think I’m just feeling completely fickle. See, this is why I can’t be left alone with my thoughts. Am I just simply an emotionally-distressed person? Is this how Sylvia Plath felt about life, d’you reckon?
Life is really just a series of events. All the things in between are nothingness. Like what am I waiting for right now? What am I living for? Waiting to hand in my assignments. Waiting to send this parcel to Sweden. Waiting for my holiday to China. Waiting for my overseas exchange to Switzerland. Waiting for interaction with a futile-border-line-obsessive crush. Waiting to get married. Waiting to have kids. But all that stuff in between is like nothing.
So what am I living for, really? Why live if you’re not happy? And yeah, I know, you have to take the good with the bad blah blah blah. But you know how extremely frustrating it is when you have such a high, only to come crashing down to the lowest of lows? It’s like, I’d rather not exist than to experience that. I wonder what it would be like to not exist. I bet it’s peaceful.
Anyway, this has been quite an insightful blog- I have realized that I am not as O.K. as I initially thought I was. Heh, funny how that is. I might just go to bed and keep thinking and have a big cry.
Leonie
x
Happy birthday jb.
